Internal struggles and Grace

Hey guys, decided to do a little real talk today. I’ve been feeling sick the last few weeks and I believe part of it is mental exhaustion and stress. Don’t get me wrong, part of it is physical too as I’ve also had to take time off because I’ve been feeling feverish, achy, and have headaches which are rare for me. I literally took some night medicine and slept 15 hours, almost all the way through because I was so exhausted. The funny thing is that I ended up staying up 15 hours after I woke up because I had rested so much.

I think I have the flu or something like that. I was feverish and had chills off and on during the week, I just thought it was the fluctuating temperatures where I’m at where it’s been jumping between below freezing temperatures to 40 or 50 degrees Fahrenheit in the span of a few days. I know the flu has been going around all over the USA lately so it’s possible I got some version of it but I feel like it has held me down. The flu and my negative mindset.

Anyways, what I’m saying is to remember to give yourself grace.

I know I’ve been giving myself a hard time with the new job because I wanted to show that I am a hard worker, am capable, and do my best. But that’s all I need to do, do my best. If I’m constantly stressing myself out while I’m away from work, I don’t give myself time to relax and enjoy my life. All this builds up into an explosion of stress and anxiety that I felt this past weekend.

Now I don’t believe this is the first time this has happened for me but this is the first time I’ve been actively aware of it. I’m generally an easy going person so minor worries don’t typically bother me but as I’ve grown older, I realized that this anxiety has gotten worse. Part of it is the impostor syndrome and comparing myself to others my age but I constantly need to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and am doing what makes me happy.

Most people my age are further in their careers or have families. I’m not at that stage, not that I don’t welcome it if it’s the right time. It’s just that my life is different and I know that there are things that they envy about my current life style. I have little responsibilities and I’m doing fine in my current role so far. Not that my friend’s aren’t doing well or what they wanted to do, but they have families to take care of now so it makes it harder for them to chase their dreams or to connect with them. But I’m struggling because I don’t know if what I’m doing is right for me but I’m also afraid to chase after my dreams. I mean I am chasing my dreams but not full throttle like some people are and I admire them for going after their dreams.

I want to write my novels, create art, and travel the world.

These have been goals I’ve had for years. I’ve felt guilty for not being further along, for not working harder towards those goals when I wasn’t working full time. Now I am working on those goals a little at a time while working a day job because I want the financial stability. I write or edit a little at a time during lunch or after work, I sketch when I can too, I’m making plans to go travel. Although those goals haven’t been achieved quite yet, I’m making little steps to reach them. That’s more than what I’ve done in previous years.

Everyone is different, everyone’s situation is different. Only you can decide what you can do or are capable of but do remember to be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself if you couldn’t write that day because you weren’t feeling well and decided to binge watch a TV show (I totally did that this past weekend). The writing will always be there waiting for you. Know that you’re doing the best you can right now and as long as you’re moving, even if it’s slowly, you’re doing the right thing to achieve your goals.

Stay strong, give yourself grace, and chase after your dreams! Whether full throttle or a little at a time. As long as you’re chasing them with the right mindset!